I am aware of and recognize the raw reality and responsibility individuals bear in their conception on this earth; no one is capable of genuinely caring for my well-being and spiritual ascension toward God except myself. No one else should. This universal truth is my first and most important awakening.

My thoughts are constantly about my grave and how the preparation begins now. I value the imperative of understanding this lesson before being partnered.

I will always cry to God first. Though, there are times I can be confused and yearn for human love, affection and touch. I yearn for it so I may also give back and share in the struggle; individual but united. One of my thematic strengths is being restorative; and now I’m learning the power of disengaging not only with the material world, but also people.

My narrative feels chaotic to me and has been disruptive to my healing. I have self-blamed excessively which hindered my growth. Are we not imperfect? Are we not flesh and soul, forgetful insan? So I focus on the present, because the present is His. Repentance begins when you feel shame. There is a lesson of love which God is teaching me in the most important and beneficial way. There is a hikmah intertwined with pain and it is calculated accordingly.

As I linger in a mysterious silence, I grow to see my beauty. I need not prove it to any other to feel whole. This is a painstaking but necessary process. My heart is not mine. It is His. And I will return it to Him in the most beautiful way.

I remember these Qur’anic verses:

وَمَن يَتَّقِ اللَّـهَ يَجْعَل لَّهُ مَخْرَجًا ﴿٢﴾ وَيَرْزُقْهُ مِنْ حَيْثُ لَا يَحْتَسِبُ ۚ وَمَن يَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى اللَّـهِ فَهُوَ حَسْبُهُ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّـهَ بَالِغُ أَمْرِهِ ۚ قَدْ جَعَلَ اللَّـهُ لِكُلِّ شَيْءٍ قَدْرًا

Whoever is wary of Allah, He shall make for him a way out [of the adversities of the world and the Hereafter  and provide for him from whence he does not count upon. And whoever puts his trust in Allah, He will suffice him. Indeed Allah carries through His commands. Certainly, Allah has ordained a measure [and extent] for everything.

There is great beauty in finding and bathing in stillness during immense sorrow which carves into your being. The test bears witness to our faith as we are asked and pressured to rebuild. Surely that glimmer of hope during our shipwreck is none other than the Almighty.

There is a language between life and death. Only when we die will we truly have lived. We live and we die in every moment. Socrates has suggested that one cannot truly fulfill an examination of their life until it has ended.

For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountaintop, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.

-Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

Yes, only He can lift the fog.


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